What do you do when the man you have become attached to has some concerning behaviors that he is unwilling to address? Lots of women feel trapped by this dilemma because on the one hand they dont want to lose the love they have found but on the other some things are just too much of a concern for them to ignore. A lady I met called Sarah (this is not her real name) was facing the same problem. She and her boyfriend had a whirlwind romance and had fallen deeply in love. They made many promises to each other including plans to be married within a couple of years. Everything was going fine but as the relationship developed Sarah noticed that her boyfriend was not only unreliable but was not always telling the truth. Leaving wasnt an option for Sarah because she loved him but his lying and undependability was preoccupying her time with worry and distress. Despite the discussions and arguments she had with him, he didnt see the need for change and thought Sarah needed to just back off and leave him alone. As she reached out for help, Sarah was able to figure out that two important principles to building a healthy relationship had been left out. The first one was that Sarah was making decisions to attach based on her feelings. Because she felt so good being with him she rushed into a committed relationship before she even had the chance to learn about the man she was dating. Secondly, Sarah was not aware of her values and what was important to her in a relationship. Because she had not taken the time to figure these things out, she was not able let these be her guide in discerning character and solving problems. When Sarah got in touch with what qualities were important to her, she was able to see that lying and being undependable were not on her must have list of qualities. The man Sarah wanted to one day settle down with was not who her boyfriend was right now, and when she accepted this there was a huge shift in Sarahs behavior. For Sarah, honesty and reliability were too important for her to ignore, though she hoped that one day her boyfriend would have these qualities, she decided that she needed to move on instead of insisting that he be that person when he didnt see the need to be. At one time Sarahs quality of life had diminished because their plans were always dismantled by her boyfriends inability to keep them. Recently, she reported that she is very happy making new friends and enjoying how great it felt hanging out with guys who could be depended on to keep their dates! Though at one point in her life it may have looked like she was losing love, Sarah learnt that she was actually working on protecting her ability to have love by making sure the qualities to build it were present. She found that her dreams of being married didnt die when she left her boyfriend because her dreams belonged to her. She kept her dreams and by letting her values be her guide, Sarah is now moving towards seeing them come true. During the month of December will be discussing in more detail the above article in our weekly newsletter In Focus. If you would to receive a copy, please sign up at http://www.donnaintera.net/newsletter.asp |
